Checking Mom's email

Every so often, we check Mom's email to make sure that she is behaving herself. Sometimes she get questionable content such as the one below. We have added our comments to this.

PET RULES (Yes we do rule - however we make rules for our humans to follow)

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height. (Yes, it makes it easier to shred)

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Too bad for you, it's all our food!) Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. (too bad!)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. (It is too - just ask Max and Buddah) Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. (exactly, then you can get us treats faster)

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. (two king size beds together would be perfect) I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (but that is what we like best so you can hang off of the bed) I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. (that's the best part)

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. (some have exit windows like the Meezers' bathroom) If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (the rule is - no closed doors) I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. (you must be supervised)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! (but we like to share)

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

This next bit is a good part

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an a dopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.



Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (that's because we train you)4. Usually come when called (yeah, whatever)
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends (two words: Catnip Anonymous)
7. Don't smoke or drink (we will take all the milk we can get)
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions (fur is always in fashion as long as it's on an animal)
9. Don't wear your clothes (humans wouldn't need clothes if they had fur like us)
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, (not for collge, but we do need it for nip and treats) and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


We will be screening our Mom's emails a bit more carefully from now on. She doesn't need to get any more ideas.

~The Montsters

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